It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't ...

In 2022, I lost my mother to breakthrough COVID 19. She was 56, I was 31. Losing a parent at that age is hard, because so many things are geared towards folks whose parents were older, or for a child who has lost their parent. 20's and 30's are a tough in between. This, a dedicated Facebook group for people in that age bracket who have lost parents, and therapy have helped. Especially when the loss is sudden or in any way unexpected, it can feel lonely. Sometimes people say or do things that are meant with good intentions, but they don't bring comfort, and you may feel alone in grief. After a short period of time, it's like people expect you to be "over it" when a losing someone very close, be it a parent, sibling, partner, child or pregnancy related loss, is something you can never "get over". Yet, on some level, you do need to figure out how to continue and live in the "after" time. This book meets that need perfectly. It doesn't sugarcoat, claim that time heals all wounds (because it does not), or use faith based narratives about some cosmic plan. Instead, it helps you honor the emotions and grief that we are often encouraged to downplay or hide, and acknowledge reality. Doing that, allows real healing. Yes, I still miss my mother every single day, but this book helped me get through the worst of it, and find peace in honoring her loss while putting one foot before another.

A book that deals with new theories about grief and how we get it wrong and fail to help those Who are grieving.

I have twice experienced sudden and early death in my immediate family. First my father when I was 17, to a stomach hemorrhage when he was 46. Then my husband of 23 years, to an apparent accident when he was 52, in October 2015. Since my husband’s death, I have read dozens of grief books – and I’ve found Megan Devine’s “It’s Ok That You’re Not Ok” to be among the most insightful and helpful. I feel the book is strongest in the first chapters on the reality of loss, why words of comfort feel so bad, and why our models of grief are broken and how to change them. I particularly appreciate the book’s discussion of out-of-order deaths – those occurring early in life – as deaths that “change the way you see everything” and “transport you to an entirely different universe.” Devine does a masterful job of distinguishing between grief experiences that are nearly universal in contemporary American society, and grief experiences that vary according to each individual – and presenting recommendations accordingly. The nearly universal experiences, which she discusses in some depth, include being told by friends, family, and professional therapists that our grief is a disease in need of a cure; and being advised that this cure lies in discovering what we have gained from our loss. Devine’s recommendations center around respecting pain and grief as natural and healthy responses to losing those we have loved, and accepting that the path after a great loss is something “between eternally broken and completely healed.” The more varied experiences include choices around managing the “mind-boggling number of things you need to do when someone has died.” Most grief books will advise grieving people to delegate as much as possible, but Devine respects individual differences -- noting that for some grievers, “taking care of these details is the last tangible, intimate act of love they can do for the person who died.” I feel the book is less original and less helpful in the later chapters on finding a way forward after loss and finding a new “tribe”. Now 3-1/2 years after the greatest loss of my life, my challenge has been to find people who BOTH understand my grief AND who share my other interests and values. I was hoping Devine might offer fresh insights here, or at least acknowledge that this is a challenge -- but I found little in the way of recognition or suggestions. Devine’s book concludes, however, with a message for which I am immensely grateful: “By simply stating the truth, we open conversations about grief, which are really conversations about love. We start to love one another better. We begin to overhaul the falsely redemptive storyline that has us, as a culture and as individuals, insist that there’s a happy ending everywhere if only we look hard enough. We stop blaming each other for our pain, and instead, work together to change what can be changed, and withstand what can’t be fixed. We get more comfortable with hearing the truth, even when the truth breaks our hearts. In telling the truth, and in hearing the truth, we make things better even when we can’t make them right.”

I lost the love of my life of 46 years in 2025. It has taken me several months to read this book (which was recommended through a grief session). Megan Devine is an excellent author and therapist in describing the true feelings and stages of grief, its process, how friends and family respond (or don’t), and finding your “tribe” . I very much recommend this book to those who have lost a loved one, as well as those who are trying to understand and support someone going through grief.

This book should be an instruction manual for Life, not only losing a loved one! The book feels so accurate in my feelings and experiences. It’s helpful and effective, even encouraging, in gaining understanding and validity, and the ability to move forward successfully. It has been the truest reflection of everything I have felt about my life and every issue I’ve been through. I’ve experienced childhood trauma, medical and emotional difficulties, and multiple family deaths, including the sudden, unexpected loss of my 54 year old husband. I’ve never found the support I truly need from family or friends, and I’ve seen poor therapists until only recently finding, through persistence, someone valid and supportive. What I’ve felt, what I’ve received as ‘support’ from people around me, the results… all of it put me in a terrible place, with me believing so much was my fault, I was a horrible person, and I could never pick up the pieces. But when you can finally feel that you are valid in your feelings and even understand those around you, you can begin to overcome; and even eventually help others overcome in their times of need. A couple times I’ve discussed with my therapist what I’m learning from the book to get her feedback and perspective, which is always positive, and also in hopes she’ll read it because anyone can gain insight from it. Quoted from the book: “Many grieving people feel like they’re on another planet, or wish they could go to one. Somewhere there are others like them. People who understand.”

This is the book that helped me figure out the problem and the solution. It is written like you are having wine with your bestie on the porch under the stars.

I lost my husband, a faithful cat and my home in one terrible night. I loved this book which helps me to carry my grief faithfully and with love. I don't like where I am at but I do feel more prepared to walk this path alone.

Megan articulates much of what I've felt and thought over the past 19 years since losing my first husband. I felt shame & guilt for my revulsion of people's kind words yet deeply hurtful platitudes and toxic positivity. Now I'm reconciled to my emotions & no longer feel alone, ungrateful and so miserable. Megan is a very talented writer tackling the most difficult and taboo of topics with directness, frankness yet compassionately, sensitively and inclusively. Her words bond with the reader and her talent is making difficult writing become easy reading. I'm so sorry if you've come by this book because you're grieving and so heartened if you are supporting someone who is grieving. Megan explores and explains strategies for dealing with life, death, grief - the whole damn gamut of emotions, our inner selves and people, especially dealing with people trying to fix the utterly unfixable. I finished this book feeling less lonely than when I started reading it. I feel validated, hugged and loved by Megan's words. Grief is something we need to make space for, however ugly and uncomfortable. It can't be rubbed out, forgotten or got over with. Thank you Megan & thanks for how to carry what can't be fixed.

Da en el clavo. Recomiendo.

This is the best book you will ever read on the topic of grief. It’s non denominational, non judgemental and non preachy. Indeed Megan Devine, herself both a therapist and a grieving young widow, manages to provide the perfect words of support for those who are grieving and excellent tips for those want to better support a griever. When I lost my young adult son, I spiralled into a pit of depression but rather than finding a whole raft of support, I discovered there were very few people who jumped down into that hole and just sat with me; those who did have my heartfelt gratitude for their presence. I searched for books that understood the real experience of grief. Megan’s book was the perfect find; she debunks the social myth of returning to “normal” and invites us to build our lives alongside grief. It’s a powerful message, as so many of us grievers feel judged or dismissed. “It’s OK that you’re not ok” provides much needed comfort and understanding of the world of grief; Megan understands that some things in life cannot be fixed, that ‘grief no more needs a solution than love needs a solution”. If you have ever lost someone or find yourself wanting to support a friend, do yourself a favour and buy this book, the kindness and understanding you find in Megan’s work will touch your broken heart and make you feel heard.

I was widowed about eight months ago. It’s a very long journey as One comes to terms with the loss. This book was the best I have read on loss of spouse. The approach was far more realistic and understanding. There was clarity on the reality of grief and how one carries it. ….forever…..and recognition that a lot of the comforting phrases one hears offer no comfort at all. They just put a mask over things.. I’m doing OK but I’m a long way from being OK. This book provided comfort and knowledge and I’m very grateful that I found it and have read it twice..

I think this book would help those who are supporting others going through grief. For me, I really didn’t have an “aha” moment as I navigate my life and grief.