The Velocipastor

"The VelociPastor" is a unique and entertaining movie that will keep you engaged from start to finish. It's a perfect mix of action, romance, comedy, and adventure, making it an enjoyable experience for anyone who loves movies.The story revolves around a priest named Doug Jones, who acquires the ability to transform into a Velociraptor after a trip to China. He then decides to use his newfound powers to fight crime and protect his city from evil forces.The acting in this movie is superb, with the lead actor Gregory James Cohan delivering a convincing performance as the titular character. The supporting cast also does an excellent job, providing comic relief and helping to move the story forward.The special effects in "The VelociPastor" are surprisingly good, considering the low budget of the movie. The scenes featuring the Velociraptor are well done, and the action sequences are fast-paced and thrilling.One of the best things about this movie is the character development of Doug. Going from a not-so-sure priest with the powers of an epic velociraptor, to the revenge-thirsting hero/lover that we all come to know and love, his development is of those movies on the Oscar’s chopping block.Overall, "The VelociPastor" is a must-watch for anyone who loves romantic-action movies. It's a refreshing take on the genre. It may not be for everyone, but if you're looking for a fun and entertaining movie to watch with friends, then "The VelociPastor" is definitely worth checking out. I would give this movie five stars.

The VelociPastor is a movie that will touch the hearts of any viewer. This movie has it all, from Christianity, to ninjas, to prostitution, cocaine, sex and the Vietnam War. The acting is superb, and the characters are so real, it is as if you are experiencing the same emotions the characters are feeling. Now, I would like to point out the special effects. The movie has fantastic graphics, and you see details you didn't even know was there. I give this film four out of five stars. The only thing that could have made this film better was if aliens were included. I strongly feel as though the aliens were discriminated against, and that is not fair to them. Other than that this film is truly inspiring. A must watch for anyone who appreciates the true art that is film.

China really is east!

This movie is a cinematic masterpiece. Everything about it is perfect.

1

I can't even. Its laughably bad to the point of being good. The Vietnam flashback alone is worth the price of the movie.

so much fun

It's impossible for me to even begin to describe this movie. It's bad, don't get me wrong. Just horrible. The set design is awful, the plot is incoherent, and whatever they spent $35,000 on was NOT worth it. But it's almost bad on purpose, in a way. It's shockingly self-aware, in a way that these so-bad-they're-good movies rarely are.The best way I can describe this film is that it's like the antithesis to Birdemic. Birdemic is also so bad it's good, but it drags on for its entire 90 minute run time, the actors are horrible, and the effects are on an entirely different caliber of bad. The sound design of Birdemic is non-existent. It's like they used the camera audio on accident. For every. Single. Shot.Birdemic's sequel is awful, but it's awful and boring, because it's trying to be bad on purpose and it fails to capture the magic of the first movie.The Velocipastor is never once boring. There are no establishing shots that last for a full minute and establish nothing- there are no establishing shots at all. It seems like it's almost supposed to be set in the seventies. They try to make their clearly 70+ year old actor try and look like a young man by putting a blonde wig on him and doing nothing else.The lead actors in this film do a FANTASTIC job with the material and dialogue they're working with. Both of them deserve awards for being able to deliver these lines with so much conviction. You genuinely feel for the main character as he struggles with the moral dilemma of whether he should use his velociraptor form to do good in the world. The sex scene is entirely incomprehensible, and can barely even be called a sex scene. They kind of take some of their clothes off and then make out.And then the ninjas. The multi-cultural ninjas that are supposed to be Chinese, only two of whom are actually Asian at all. Characters switch between languages in the span of the same conversation. It makes no sense. Nothing makes any sense. Characters that clearly died spontaneously somehow come back to life. And this entire film has an indescribable self-awareness to it, while never sacrificing how terrible it manages to be.Please. I implore you to watch this movie. It's not as good as The Room, but it may be my #2 so bad it's good film. I recommend this more than The Room, because the lack of sex, Tommy Wiseau's butt, and the short length probably make it much more appealing to general audiences.

It’s got everything:Great dialogue ✅Huge acting ✅Amazing concept ✅Cool back stories for multiple characters ✅A training montage ✅Inspirational quotes ✅Intentional humour ✅Action ✅Love ✅Costumes ✅Baddies laughing for prolonged periods of time ✅Strong morals ✅I think it might be the most perfect movie I’ve ever seen. Imagine how good you think it is, it’s better than that!

The makers of this movie were not going for anything serious and it is a good fun watch! Even in the fact it's a comedy-horror, some films even in that category are serious about continuity, acting, cut scenes etc and this film purposely makes fun of that as well with scenes where, for example, someone is having a flashback but the roll-back footage says "missing reel" - but it's done in such a way that you think to yourself "Did they actually forget to edit that in or was that on purpose?". All in all, the movie makes fun of the whole 'so bad its good' genre of films like The Room and Birdemic but doesn't come off as cringey-in-your-face slap-stick.At times you get the impression the actors were honestly having fun with things on set and it genuinely adds to the humor and the whole vibe of the movie. The actors were not budget bad (unlike in Birdemic, yikes!!!), delivered their lines with good timing, portrayed their characters well and were directed well.One person bemoaned this movie in their review as "amateurish" and yeah - it IS MEANT TO BE. Like, what did you think you were going in for with a movie with a) that DVD cover, b) about a Priest who gets imbued with powers to turn into a dinosaur and c) a catch phrase of "A man of the claw"? This movie is meant to be fun! Just watch it with that in mind! Because doing things "exaggeratedly wrong" like they were hoping for (yet somehow missed with things like purposely bad props, purposely badly done clothing and purposely bad sound effects) is just Charley Chaplin school of slap-stick and the movie it not meant to be overly goofy in a bumbling buffoon sort of way but rather it makes fun of all the horror-and-the-hero movie stereotypes we see in so much cinema. You start watching it with a feel that it takes itself seriously however, as the movie progresses you realize that it doesn't and everything about it deliberately makes fun of typical horror movie stereotypes. But I suppose comedy is art and all art is subjective.

After seeing the trailer, I thought this was going to be a rather tongue-in-cheek spoof horror film, hopefully with a touch of humour, perhaps?I was wrong. Five minutes into the film, I was cringing and writhing in disbelief and embarrassment that I was actually sitting there watching this garbage! I was about to turn it off, but I thought no - I've spent good money on this rubbish and I won't be able to pass proper judgment on it unless I've watched it all the way through - so I made myself sit through it all.Some films go for the comedy of doing things exaggeratedly wrong - and I suspect that was what the makers of this were attempting to do - but, even in that, they failed miserably.Everything about it screamed "amateurish" - from the home-made priest's cassocks which had grubby little pieces of creased-up white cloth badly sewn into the front of the collar instead of a proper, stiff-starched token dog-collar - to the utterly unbelievable scenario of the local pimp-cum-drug dealer actually going into the confessional in the church and bragging in a scornful way to the priest about how he drowned a baby and then blew up a car outside that very church, killing that particular priest's parents who were inside it.Little did that villain realise that the young priest on the other side of the screen had recently been on a sabbatical to China (like you do), where he had been given a dragon's tooth by a Chinese girl who had just been shot with an arrow by pursuing, black-clad ninjas - and who just had time to say to him (in Chinese, which he couldn't understand) "Destroy it, or they will hunt you for ever!"He then managed to accidentally cut his hand deeply with it - an event which gave him the mysterious power to turn into a dinosaur when he got angry or outraged (shades of the Hulk!) and EAT his opponents! So the ninjas, who turned on HIM at that point, didn't last long when he transformed and ate them.Of course, we didn't actually SEE the transformation too early in the film - nor did we see him transform fully in the confessional - just his green, dinosaur hand ripping through the screen and ripping the murdering villain's kneck open to the latters prolonged, blood-curdling screams that went on for about three times longer than they should've done!It got better! Our young priest then got involved with a reformed hooker who turned out to be pretty nifty at fighting ninjas herself after they came bursting into their shared bedroom (like they would!).We didn't see the full dinosaur transformation until the big, 'Boss-Fight' near the end and that... well... imagine a man fighting a small army of ninjas in a field while dressed in a padded, man-sized toy dinosaur outfit - all silly, pretend-fighting at that. The girl is fighting alongside him, of course, wearing a highly inappropriately low-cut neckline - which conveniently lets us see how one of the baddie ninjas slashes a deep gash diagonally across her chest. I'll give them that - the fake cuts do look surprisingly realistic!She's down and our hero is crouching over her while she tries to talk through the surprising amount of blood in her mouth, considering her wound never penetrated her ribcage...? Then she apparently dies, whereupon our hero partly-transforms again and rips the boss baddie's head off - literally. Well, we're supposed to think that's what he's done, as he holds aloft the really, really obviously plastic mannequin-head while he roars in dispair!Then - amazingly - we're in a hospital waiting-room where a swaggering surgeon comes in smiling and tells our hero that the girl is not only alive, but she's going to make a full recovery!The film ends where the two of them, standing in the street looking really cool in their black leather jackets, discuss how he's now officially left the church and they head off together to rid the world of all the truly evil bad-guys!Quite honestly, it has to be the WORST film I've ever seen in my life and it was too embarrasing to watch!

Quite possibly the greatest movie ever in the exciting new priest/dinosaur transformation genre. The combination of an amazing script, cutting edge special effects and world class acting performances makes for an outstanding movie. I was very excited to learn of the impending sequel, which if nothing else demonstrates something.

Hilariously funny, there’s not much I can write about this film other than since watching it, I can’t stop thinking about it