Black Swan: The Twelve Lessons of Abandonment Recovery

I am a Licensed Mental Health Counselor. This author has 3 books (including The Journey to Abandonment and The Abandonment Workbook) that go together which I have given to about 60% of my clients, young/old, male/female, and they have all loved these books, getting so much out of them and really growing and healing. Here is what one of my clients wrote to me about this book in the series. Book Review: I thoroughly enjoyed reading the book The Black Swan. I connected with the messages taught throughout the book and was able to relate them back to myself and to my life. I loved how the author portrayed these messages in a story format, which better helped me to paint a picture in my mind. I learned many lessons by reading this book. The main lesson that has stuck with me is feeling the importance of my own existence. The book talked a lot about facing my separateness and feeling the essence of being alive and alone, just for my own sake. I am missing this in my life. I am known to be “extroverted”, which I am, but many times I realize how uncomfortable I am when I am solely by myself. I like to be surrounded by other people, I like there to be noise in my environment, I like to stay busy. I don’t really enjoy being alone with nothing keeping me busy. I have mentioned this in therapy but I do enjoy more chaotic environments. Its weird because I don’t like the way my body feels in chaos, when I go into fight or flight or when I get anxious, I don’t enjoy it. But my brain seems to be wired to feel more comfortable in it. I feel more normal in chaos than I do when everything is still. Stillness makes me feel not needed or unproductive, just because I’m giving time to myself and not to another human being. The other thing that sticks out is the book continuously says “just for my own sake”. It talks about when I’m sitting in stillness my thoughts and what I am doing are just for me. I don’t think I ever do this. I am ALWAYS thinking about another person. If I see a commercial on TV for a new movie, I think about how much my mom would love it and how much she’ll love if I see it with her. I don’t think about if I’ll like it. And this goes on with many things in my life. I continuously think about others and their wants and needs before my own. This has lead to problems in my relationships because eventually I come to a point when I do want my needs to be heard and they’re not. I have gotten so used to pushing what I need aside for the sake of the other person. If I feel a need, sometimes I will try and express it and if its met with a poor response I just let it go. But this leaves me feeling empty and resentful for not sticking up for myself. I am slowly learning to put myself first. Since reading this book, I try to refocus my mind when I feel it thinking about someone else’s needs. I focus it on my needs and how is this situation making me feel? It is hard because I’ve pushed what I need to the side for so long that it is my first instinct to just forget what I need in the situation. However, I do think I am making progress and I am proud of myself for that.

This little book is incredible! Never have I read anything that describes my inner most feelings more than this book does. It begins innocently enough, a father and his little girl taking a walk through a wooded forest together. But then the father lifts his daughter up onto a large rock that is in the middle of a river. He tells her he is going to be right back. She implores him to not be long, to please come back. He assures her that he will. She watches his red shirt disappear among the trees. She waits and waits, so sure he will be back. But he doesn't return. Before long, it gets dark. Night has fallen and the little girl is alone, on the rock. She manages to climb down and eventually is able to make her way back to her home. She is certain that her parents and family must be worried about her absence. But as she approaches the house, she sees them through the windows, sitting around the dinner table, laughing and enjoying themselves. She is unable to believe what she is seeing. She realizes she has been abandoned. Then the day arrives when she watches her family loading their furniture and belongings into a moving van! They are cheerful and excited. She is in disbelief! She watches as the van disappears down the road. She is completely alone. Years pass and we learn that this little girl is living in a type of shelter for children. She is withdrawn and completely unable to interact with any of the other children or the staff. She cries herself to sleep every night, not in her own bed, but in a corner of a rag heap, where she finds what comfort she can. Then a staff member lovingly carries her to her bed. But even then, the little girl will have dreams that cause her to awake in tears. Quoting from the book: "Many more months go by and finally an event occurs which feels familiar and real. She hears a woman crying, long and deep, from a distance. Soon it fills her ears, awakening her whole body to its tones. Finally a woman appears in the doorway, wiping her eyes. She approaches the little girl, crouching down and taking her by the hand. 'Come with me, little one,' says the woman wiping tears from her eyes with hem of her long flowing skirts. Her voice is gentle. "The little girl does not see the woman clearly, for her eyes are not used to focusing. But she follows along in the vague indentation of softness and allows herself to be taken, letting her hand stay curled inside the woman's. She can smell her warmth and feel the gentleness wrapped around her hand." This is an allegory intended to depict abandonment of all kinds and the way to healing from it. To a person who hasn't experienced the devastation of abandonment, this may sound like a modern day tale of Hansel and Gretel. But for those who know, this is a book that may speak to you unlike any other. Susan Anderson truly understands the hopelessness and fear that accompanies abandonment. Her workbook, The Abandonment Recovery Workbook, is very helpful as well. It digs deeper into the process of healing and I highly recommend it. I appreciate so much that Susan Anderson had the insight from her own personal experiences to write Black Swan. I have read it multiple times and shared copies of it with others. It is truly a great little book.

This is the first book I've read in a long time where I just couldn't put it down. I read the entire thing in about 90 minutes and then wanted to read it again! There is definitely a loose (but important) connection between the 12 lessons and the 12 Steps of Recovery found in AA or other programs like that. But so much more poetic, insightful, interesting and creative!! There is a lot of overlap between "Abandonment Recovery" and "Love Addiction" recovery. But this is more about self-empowerment and healing, and less about the group or a God. I suppose the present moment can become something like a higher power. This is really an outstanding contribution to our world and it far exceeded my expectations.

I purchased this book in 2018, along with a whole slew of other books on Abandonment. I could make it through none of them at the time. Just picking one up and trying to process the words on the page was too ugly. I melted down every time. But this book somehow got separated and fell on my head this week, so I tried one more time... and it was good. Doable. Helpful. Hopeful. Many of the techniques are ones I've already stumbled upon and help. Some of the things she says about separation and expectations of friends are things I'm going to be thinking about for a while. I'm very thankful for this book. Update: At 2 a.m. when you wake up already triggered and the abusers are large and in charge in your head, many grounding techniques are not strong enough. Techniques that have only been practiced when you are safe and warm and calm will fail at 2 am's distress and disorientation. Just when you need them, they don't work. This book builds up those techniques under duress. Mostly, distress FOR Amanda, which is enough different that you can still learn them and know what to do at 2 a.m. This probably shouldn't be your first book, but when the spiral starts cutting too deep for the beginning techniques, remember this book.

This book is a journey - it is the perfect process for recovery from loss. The story is magical - easy to read yet deep to feel. It feels like a companion guide - trust the process. It makes you feel less alone. Thank you Susan

As someone who has struggled with emotional issues related to abandonment, I found this story incredibly moving and reassuring. I return to the book regularly to encourage myself and grow stronger. I would strongly recommend it both to individuals who are struggling with feeling abandoned, and to therapist working with people dealing with abandonment issue. The only issue that could arise, is that the main character in the story is a little girl. I wonder if men might have a hard time relating to her. It would be nice if there was a version with a little girl and a version with a little boy. There are also subtle messages in the story that are very important, but the author never explains them. So if you miss them, you just do. I think it would be helpful if the writing at the end helped to explain those nuances better.

Really moving. Exactly what I’m going through right now. ❤️‍🩹 May God bless the being who put this out into the world, for I surely needed it. Very healing. Thank you, dear author.

i was expecting something a little different. good resources but not detailed enough for my needs. great book to pass on to others

This book is a great complement to the other books written by Susan Anderson, all the books of which are top notch and must-read for anyone dealing with abandonment. It covers similar methodology and 12 steps to healing covered in the workbook but is presented by way of allegory. It certainly help me reinforce and better understand the lessons from the workbook and the main abandonment book.

Black Swan is not like any of the other 'self-help/how to heal books' on the market. although told in story form. This book given simple yet effective strategies to help you work on healing your trauma. I would highly recommend this book and I honestly wish I had found it sooner

I hope I can apply those lessons in my life!!! I recommend it for everyone who's in search of a better life after facing abandonment!

Not the typical self-help book; a wise story of compassion, integrity, and resilience to guide you during a time of crisis.

It’s a good read with a great lesson! learned a lot from it. Black Swan is wise as it is unique.