You're Not Listening

Of all the books I read the senior year of my doctorate, this was one of my favorite books. You’re Not Listening brought back memories from my minor in speech during my undergrad and my non-verbal communication classes. Kate Murphy challenged me to wake up and pay attention once again. You’re Not Listening is wakeup call to the lost art of effective listening in order to truly connect with others.The book covered the lost art of listening, syncing our feelings, paying attention to our curiosity, being aware of assumptions, stopping tone deaf responses, being slow to speak (tortoise and the hare syndrome), listening to opposing views, focusing on what is important, improvisational listening, conversational sensitivity, listening to our inner voice, supporting (not diverting) the conversation, utilizing our entire hearing mechanism--hammers, anvils and stirrups, noticing our addiction to distraction, noting what silences reveal, awakening to the morality of listening, and finally, knowing when to stop listening.As Murphy admonished, “Listening is arguably more valuable than speaking.” To really listen is to be moved physically, chemically, emotionally, and intellectually by another person’s narrative. Written by a journalist who has interviewed everyone from “Nobel laureates” to homeless children, this book challenges the reader to improve listening skills. “Whereas in the past we caught up with friends and family individually and in person, now we are more likely to text, tweet or post on social media.” Murphy reveals that people get lonely for lack of people listening to them! The first question she asked of those she interviewed for this book was “Who listens to you?” Everyone hesitated before they answered her! That was telling. The most common “bad listening behaviors” she found included interrupting, vague response to what was just said, looking at one’s phone or watch instead of the speaker, or fidgeting while the other is speaking.Murphy claims “listening, more than any other activity, plugs you into life.” It was interesting to note that the CIA doesn’t train agents to be good listeners, rather they recruit good listeners to be agents. She also quoted one of my favorite authors during my twenties—Dale Carnegie—"You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interest in you.”Here’s where listening skills really kick in and where most of us are lacking: Cliché and tone-deaf responses show we are not really paying attention. For example, when someone shares bad news (such as I lost my job or received bad medical news), the author recommends listening to the inflection of the speaker’s voice as well as the words spoken to gain a clue to what part is most concerning and painful to the speaker. If there is a pause or he/she gets choked up during part of the story, then that is the most concern part more than anything else. When you address that part of the bad news it shows you truly were listening, and you care about the individual. Listening is about being open and curious about someone else’s state of mind. “The ability to acknowledge someone’s point of view with a sensitive response encourages trust. This is a skill that does not come naturally in our distracted, busy, self-absorbed world, but it is vital if we want to reach people for God.Develop your conversational sensitivity. That is what I learned in my undergrad. “Good listeners are better at both deceiving and detecting deceit. If you think back to the times in your life when you were fooled there were likely things you missed. Was there a too-urgent tone, facts that didn’t quite add up, hostility or exasperation in the person’s voice when questions were asked? For me it is usually a discomfort in the pit of my stomach that I can’t quite put my finger on but I know they are lying. Murphy encourages us to pay attention to those things!She concludes her book with a message to remind us how important listening truly is. Because, when we engage with someone in conversation, our behavior does two things: 1) it helps or hinders our understanding, and 2) strengthens or weakens the relationship

The author has done indepth research and the book is a welcome help to anyone who wants to relate better with family, friends, and especially at work. The concepts are easy to understand and implement. As a psychologist I have referred this book to several patients.

This book’s most important lesson may be a collection of tenets you must believe to be an effective listener: (1) People are unpredictable — everyone you know or meet. (2) What you know is different from what they know. (3) There is more to the story than first appears. Kate Murphy then effectively exposes what you can *do* with those truths — how to commit to listening and its magical (though scientifically explained) ability to enrich you through learning and building close relationships. Read the book with a pen in hand — there’s no 1-pager cheat-sheet at the end.That said, brace yourself for a certain preachiness that infuses every chapter. I wish that the book centralized all the critiques of the modern world (social media, addictive phones, political climate, etc.), so that the other chapters could more purely focus on the intersection of listening and *timeless* characteristics of the human experience (distractability, building of intimacy, a beautiful question, etc.). Instead, you’ll have to muscle through the sense that the author keeps touching on those critiques since she thinks you JUST DO NOT GET IT YET.I also think there’s an important topic the author missed, or only brushes against: How to engender an environment where you will be listened to. It’s true that listening itself will have this impact — a great way for a person to say with genuine curiosity, “How was your day?”, is to first have that very conversation about *their* day. But you can’t rely on others to bring the same focus and intent to conversations as you will after reading this book. Is there any evidence out in the world of how to help someone *else* shift into “listener” mode? After all, the author makes the case that the best conversations — and even business or academic partnerships — involve *all* participants being listeners.That said, this is an important work. I’ve looked for accessible best practices for listening, and this is the first I’ve found, and it’s new. I celebrate and thank Kate Murphy for her inspiration and her legwork to give me a framework and tactics to become a better human.

What I have learned through this book has tipped my life compass 2 degrees. A year later i’ve come to find myself in a different place in my life where I feel genuinely connected to people around me. Thank you

Really enjoyed reading it and learned a lotVery easy to follow and couldn’t put it down until I read for hours

I have read or listen to at least four books about listening. It’s kind of a hobby and I would say this book is the best I have ever read. It has some truly unique perspectives that I have found very helpful.

Listening is an art ,We are thinking that we are listening but that is not true listening to understand is the key , listening is a great skill to be learnt in this distracting world

I enjoyed this book and would recommend the supplier. This arrived promptly and was packaged well. The content was stimulating, prompting questions about the current focus on distraction and noise in society today. It acknowledges the lack of understanding of what listening really means and how important it is to be present for each other. The price was good and this book really helped me lots.

Llevo recomendado este libro desde que lo lei a todo el mundo y a día de hoy sigo buscando uno parecido. Te enseña mucho a ser más conscientes de tus palabras y la importancia de la escucha activa. Recomendado 100%

This is the best book on listening I have ever read.I was motivated to learn more about and improve my own listening skills in this modern world of hyper strife and divisiveness between people with different views. Seems like we have lost our ability to communicate with each other. Human Beings need to improve their listening skills if they are to survive. We need to learn to live in a world of differences. And this book has helped me take my first step in this endeavour.

This book will not fail to surprise you. I would recommend it especially if one is interested in personal and professional development.