The Journal of Best Practices: A Memoir of Marriage, Asperger Syndrome, and One Man's Quest to Be a Better Husband

I have not yet finished this book, so I will not attempt to write a full review. I am about two thirds through it. I feel as if I have laughed and cried with the author as he shares his most difficult experiences, his happiest, his most painful, his most bizarre, and most human. It read like my own autobiography almost. Many times my eyes filled with tears as I identified with one idiosyncrasy after another.Like the author, I also received a diagnosis of ADHD in High School, and just like the author, stimulant medication made a dramatic difference. But only to my attentional issues. Difficulties with social interactions remained, to my own chagrin and frustration.The questions I have often wondered throughout my life are the same ones dealt with in this book. Why is it that I have the ability to absorb tremendous detail on about five subjects, while everything else goes into a pile of "I really couldn't care less"? Why is it that I can understand the physics of Flatland, but continue to fail to see the point of it. Why do I almost feel a sting of physical pain when I hear someone say that they "could care less", and why do I automatically correct them, despite the social consequences? Why do I enjoy doing research more than writing the actual paper? Why do I stand on the border between introvert and extrovert, switching sides depending on the situation? What about my peculiar methods of doing chores? The perfection with which folding clean laundry and doing the dishes must be done. My girlfriend introduced me to World of Warcraft, because she wanted to share with me a game that meant so much to her. A week later, I was reciting to her the lore of this fictional world, and wandering around on my own, instead of keeping her company.....which was the whole point of getting me into it.It is all here in this book. But more important, I feel, than the author's discussion of living with Aspergers, is the level of detail given to his attempt to peer into his wife's mind to discover how his disorder affects her. A man who admits to major challenges when it comes to empathy manages to devote much of the book to doing what does NOT come natural to him: empathizing. We see him develop as an adult, from a juvenile young man, incapable of acknowledging that she has her own thoughts or perspectives, to an emotionally mature, caring, loving individual who can read and respond to her in a way he had never before dreamed. He accepts that empathy may never come naturally to him, but he doesn't let that stop him. He sees it as part of his job as a husband to understand his wife, and does not let a malfunctioning emotional/social filter stop him.This is the story of a journey that began as a desperate attempt to save his deteriorating marriage. It ends (presumably) with a much more uplifting message, that none of us have to accept the doom of a difficult relationship. None of us marry thinking that the future will be one full of pain and suffering, even though every partnership has its fair share. In an age where the default setting tells us to throw people away once we start to have trouble in a relationship, this author decides to do the opposite. He decides to face his demons, to confront his cognitive issues and embrace his partnership and wife.This book will be equally helpful for partners of individuals with ASD as it is for sufferers of the condition. Some of the author's realizations are the result of input from his wife. The vast majority, however are his own epiphanies, which may seem like common sense to some, but occur to the author, as with all individuals with ASD, only after long hours of contemplation. It is enlightening and uplifting to follow the author as he commits to a very difficult task: understanding his wife. If you have ever wondered what he is thinking, why he keeps making the same mistakes over and over again, why he never seems to learn, why he seems to enjoy driving you crazy, or why he doesn't seem to understand your needs or read you properly, this book will provide some of the answers.A great read, funny as it is educational. There aren't enough stars for this book.

This book is quite unique compared to the other AS books out there. It provided me with exactly what I wanted... an understanding of what it's like to have AS and be a married man having severe marital problems. I did not want another book telling me the definition, the list of symptoms, etc... but a true account of someone who deals with AS, as an Aspie, daily. I wanted to know the "insider" stuff. I wanted to know how married males see things, IF there was an AS married man on the planet who would actually attempt to address some of the issues in a marriage (seems to go against their AS nature, as far as I have seen), and IF one DID attempt to address the issues what issues would they feel needed addressed and how would they go about addressing them? (See my note below for why I really wanted to read something like this...better communication during divorce) This book is quite remarkable and was written by an AS man who became determined to save his marriage. He recounts in great detail his challenges and how he faced, and ultimately overcame, what he and his wife determined to be the major problem areas. Often times his way of dealing with an issue was unusual, but by seeing how he knew and used what worked for him those of us NT's in the world can see just how resilient and adaptable those with AS really are (Yes, they ARE adaptable!). The author's amount of effort and thought and downright perseverance leaves you cheering him on and hoping, if their is justice in the world, that he will succeed. His personal limitations, daily routines, and feelings of loneliness, etc... are very candidly described, all leading (me anyway) to a far better understanding of an AS mind. His willingness to share so much about himself was very moving, and helpful. For those with AS, whether they intend to attempt to "address" some issues or not, I would think that this book would provide understanding. It would let you know that you are not alone, and that it IS possible to make life easier for yourself (and those around you). In fact by the end of the book the author is actually having fun in social situations, something he had always dreaded in the past. Life was far easier for him and his wife, he learned how to "connect" to his children, and at an absolute minimum was able to see what others experienced when they were with him. Instead of constantly being fearful of what others thought of him he learned to appreciate himself for who he was. In the case of my husband I could see where this alone would help his feelings of low self esteem. I really admire the author for his willingness to share his personal life with others, and the incredible efforts he went to solely for the purpose of helping his wife be happy. I know what things are like from the NT side of a marriage and his resolve, among other things, taught me that those with AS CAN care. They can care a great deal. Thank you for teaching me that. I would have been happy with the book if I had learned nothing else.One other note: I have decided against purchasing many other AS books because the reviews or description made them sound like a self-help kind of book that was supposed to help me understand my husband, learn to forgive him, suck it up and live with far less expectations, and save my marriage. Hogwash. I did NOT want to save my marriage and was not looking for a book that would help do so. In fact when I purchased this book I purchased several on divorce at the same time. My only purpose in getting this book was to hopefully learn something that might enable me to talk to my husband for more than 10 seconds without being screamed at. We have 2 children together and even divorced we would need to talk to each other. I just wanted to be able to talk constructively occasionally, and perhaps limit a little of the abuse. In honestly my AS husband seems like a real jerk... selfish with no empathy or compassion. He lives in his own world and cares nothing (seemingly anyway) for anyone but himself. His behavior can be incredibly odd, he never lifts a finger to help me but constantly complains that I do to much. Basically he is everything you do not want in a husband...the absolute opposite in every way of hardworking, gentle, affectionate, loving and kind. He is a verbally abusive alcoholic and after 26 years of this our children are grown and I am done. Well... maybe not quite done. The book, even though I didn't want it to, made me see some things I didn't see before, primarily just how difficult life is for those with AS. I thought I understood before that they didn't do things to hurt people but simply didn't know any better (sounds good but difficult to believe when being very personally attacked), but perhaps there is more to it than that. I suppose that the author, by being so forthcoming about his own feelings and struggles, gave me hope that men with AS can adapt themselves to living with NT's if they want to bad enough. Will my husband be willing to work a fraction as hard as the author did? We'll see, but for now at least I know that a man with AS IS capable of caring. That's huge. If they can care, and maybe my husband does care somewhere deep inside his strangely wired brain and seemingly missing heart, there's a glimmer of hope that he will care enough to try. Lord knows I am willing to help... and I do have a little patience left.

Loved this, it was super informative and also funny!

The author is a very good writer, the prose flows entertainingly and the practices he proposes seem to be practical and effective.However, the book is also discouraging because the work he suggests the asperger's spouse shoud do is enormous.As I very high functioning autistic person, it seamed like the amount of effort suggested by the autor was doable by himself in his relationship.Basically, the book is a series of different suggestions for masking and camouflaging his autism to look more pleasant to his wife and coworkers.But it will not be so for most autistic persons. Most people on the spectrum (even among the so called "high functioning" ones) will not have the energy to implement all this and would certainly burnout if they try to do so. Hence, although containing usefull tips, the book is discouraging.

It was a fresh and a eye opener to the Asperger's adults world. It teached me invaluable lessons and gave me tips on how to approach daily life with my husband.

This book is great! Witty, touching and very, very real. While it’s an absolute must read for anyone in the autism spectrum, I guess any couple can learn a lot from this book. Loved it!

Very funny and cute, but it's not exactly the kind of book that you will never forget and re-read with nostalgy.