How to Raise Kids Who Aren't Assholes: Science-Based Strategies for Better Parenting - from Tots to Teens

Melinda Wenner Moyer is my favorite science writer of all time, living or dead. (And it goes without saying… Well, per her excellent chapter on navigating gender, gender is often overly emphasized, so I’ll leave it there.) I already knew it would be masterful, compelling, convincing, and enjoyable, and it was.I first came across Melinda Wenner Moyer’s writing in Scientific American. Each article blew me away. I would praise them to editors of Scientific American; reference them in letters to politicians; share them with friends, colleagues, and family. I would say: "Read this, she says it more cogently and convincingly than I ever could." Her articles on factory farming and gun control, in particular, are masterpieces in my mind.That said, this book has a different voice from the one she uses in her articles for Scientific American. Of course, a writer should be able to use multiple voices and use them as needed. Step one for a writer: Consider the audience. (Much like she encourages us to have our children consider the minds and thoughts of others they interact with.)After reading one of her Salon parenting columns, I recognized it was the same voice. Per her Acknowledgements, an editor at Slate “offered me my parenting column and … helped me recognize the value of humor in this kind of writing.” There is more humor, more personal anecdotes, than in her Scientific American articles. But if you are a fan of her Scientific American articles, this should not dissuade you. Unlike your neighbor who may try to convince you with their sample-size-of-one experience (or, to be generous, a sample size equal to the number of children they have), Melinda Wenner Moyer mentions her own life and parenting simply to make the material accessible. Instead, she convinces you, and very effectively, with copious studies. There is a 32-page Notes section just for all the studies she references. The science is always there.Of course, the question is: Are those studies reliable? Is there a “reproducibility crisis” that affects not just the social sciences in particular, but all of science? Yes. But, while science isn’t perfect, it’s the best we got. And those social-science studies are the best we got. And of all the science writers who can research psychological, neurological, developmental, socio-economic studies and literature; understand intimately the journalism-abetted mechanism that fuels the reproducibility crisis; spot the tell-tale signs of studies that typically fail reproducibility; find the good; separate out the junk; distill the truth; and present a water-tight case, Melinda Wenner Moyer is the best we got.In the epilogue, Melinda Wenner Moyer writes “if I had to whittle my advice down into one sentence, it would be this: Try to show compassion and make connections” [emphasis hers]. For me, my one sentence of her advice would be very similar: Demonstrate and encourage emotional intelligence, cultivate a theatre of the mind, and let it lead and inform action. See things from your children’s perspectives, so you can best communicate to them. See things from other people’s perspectives, so you can be kind. Show your children how you see things from other people’s perspectives, so they can understand how you are kind. Have your children see things from other people’s perspectives, so they can be kind. Have your children see how other people’s perspectives impact their actions, so they understand why other people act certain ways. Have your children see how their actions impact other people’s perspectives of them, so they understand why they should or shouldn’t do things.Speaking of connections, in the first chapter, Melinda Wenner Moyer writes why we should want kind children. She points to research that says kind children are happier, more popular, more successful. That is, no doubt, good enough for most parents. And perhaps the fact that kindness leads to happiness, popularity, and success is so evident all around us, that she writes what most parents want, most of all, is for their children to be kind. But I wonder if there should be more discussion on the mechanism that fuels all this. Because what if my child asks: “Yes, but why? Why does it make us happier, more popular, more successful?”Should I tell my child that my belief is there is a non-zero-sum benefit from cooperation that thus influences evolution in both biology and society? That I believe two heads are better than one, yes, but, in general, two heads together is also better than two heads separate? That I believe this gave humans who cooperated, versus acted alone, higher evolutionary fitness? Pro-social traits are basically inborn (something Melinda Wenner Moyer does write about) such as a sense of justice and reciprocation. And that I believe the reason they are inborn is because they gave evolutionary benefit (something I don’t think she explicitly says)? And that I believe our social contracts have similarly evolved as our bodies, evolving from small, loose-knit tribes to large governments and globalization? That while evolution in biology is no doubt much slower than in society, that I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s now even feedback between the two? Thus you feel happier, because that is evolution’s shortcut way of encouraging it? That you’re more popular because, again, it’s built into other people’s bodies too, and the fabric of our interconnections? That you’re more successful because all the mechanisms we exist in, our environment, our bodies, are geared toward, and succeed greater with, pro-social behavior? Of course, can I really tell my children this and expect them to understand? Is there a children’s book for that?(There are children’s books about sexuality which Melinda Wenner Moyer suggests we can use in the excellent chapter about sexuality. And yes, I said again the “excellent chapter,” but they are all excellent chapters.)So, maybe a greater question about mechanisms doesn’t really fit in with the book.I did have one, tiny quibble with one part of the book. Barely a detraction. In fact, I only mention it because I know that I personally look askance at any overly glowing, 100%-positive review. And, in fact, I have asked others about this, and they generally side with Melinda Wenner Moyer.Melinda Wenner Moyer writes: “[I]t’s worth having a conversation with your child about different kinds of lies--why it’s OK to tell certain kinds of lies (to protect other people’s feelings, say), but not other kinds of lies (such as for personal gain).” This is something she states as fact, that lies are “OK” in this context, but I am not convinced they are. I am not even convinced that one must tell lies to protect feelings.The example she uses is a child getting a gift from a family member. “They have to know that although they definitely didn’t want wool socks for Christmas, Aunt Meg’s feelings would be hurt if they actually told her that.” But it’s a false dichotomy to say that the child must say “Yay! Wool socks are what I most wanted in the whole wide world!” or “Wool socks? This is the worst thing, Aunt Meg, that you could possibly have given me. Thanks for ruining Christmas.” In fact, Melinda Wenner Moyer gives a quote by developmental psychologist Angela Crossman that, I think, suggests a great strategy: “What are the ways you can handle these situations where you’re still an honest person as much as possible, but you’re also not being a rude or disrespectful or ungrateful person?” This strategy wasn’t elaborated on much by Melinda Wenner Moyer, besides relying the quotation.Basically, like I believe Angela Crossman believes, I believe one can be honest and not an a******. Aunt Meg is likely simply going to ask you if you like the socks. And you can answer yes and not be lying. Because I think it is fair for anyone to interpret the question as “do you like receiving the socks?” Or even, “do you like the socks on at least some level?” And, yes, you do like them for what they represent. You do appreciate Aunt Meg giving you socks because you appreciate that gesture of kindness. Between receiving socks and a gesture of kindness and receiving nothing, this is better. Is Aunt Meg going to interrogate you further? “Yes, but do you think them fashionable? Will you wear these socks every day and show them to everyone you can?” I doubt it. I think Aunt Meg simply wants to be appreciated for her gift. And you do appreciate it. Easy.And maybe this is why others don’t agree with me. They say what if Aunt Meg does want follow-up or asks more? And I say if Aunt Meg is going to grill you, then Aunt Meg frankly deserves hearing your opinion. Which, again, one can definitely deliver nicely. It’s better than to start having wishy-washy rules for honesty which can easily be corrupted. Because humans of all ages are excellent at cognitive dissonance. They can tell themselves that they lie “to protect other people’s feelings” but it’s really a lie “for personal gain.” Because: A) Again, considering people’s feelings is pro-social, pro-social leads to personal gain, so there’s always going to be an element of personal gain. And: B) There likely could be more impetus for personal gain (because of A and other reasons) than for protecting feelings, but cognitive dissonance allows us to downplay the latter, because no one wants to consider themselves an a******.Again, this is my one quibble in an entire book that I thoroughly and whole-hearted loved and agreed with.Speaking of gifts, there’s a reason I titled this review “How to Give This Book and Not Be an A******.” Because I am not sure. As I read the book, I definitely wanted to buy copies and send them to people. But how does one make a gift of this book without seemingly also making a critique of the recipient’s parenting style? As usual while reading this book, I found advice for myself and not just for my children. And it was advice… about giving advice. Or maybe it was critique/feedback, not sure, can’t find the actual passage. Namely, if you don’t know if someone wants advice, you should ask first before giving it. (This makes me think it was in the--yes, like all of them--“excellent chapter” on consent.) Asking for consent before giving a gift is kind of unusual, but I think maybe it’s the only way. “Hey, friend or family member, I read a great book about parenting, would it be okay if I gave you a copy?” Ug, that’s awkward. And, of course, they might say yes, because they interpret it as “yes, I appreciate Aunt Meg giving me wool socks.” But do I want to be Aunt Meg?Regardless, you, dear reader… You are looking for reviews! I consider that already giving consent to wanting to hear my recommendation. And, so, I can tell you: Yes, this is an excellent book. Buy it.

Wow, this book is fantastic. Melinda Wenner Moyer has combed through the scientific literature and collected so much useful information! Any childhood behavioral or character issue you can think of, she covers -- and her writing is easy to read, funny, and relatable. There's nothing preachy or sanctimonious here. Like all her science journalism work (look her up... she's a heavy hitting investigative reporter!), this book is nuanced and measured, and her reporting is thorough and detailed. I have already started to apply some of the lessons here with my own kids, and the results are impressive! This is definitely going to be my go-to handbook for parenting from now on!

This book was not what i was expecting. I have struggled through reading it, but there are high points to learning from it and a lot of insightful information to take away from it. I wouldn't give it a 5/5 rating but there is definitely something to be said about the quality of what the author has to say. There is a lot of stats and math involved but i believe she has added this information to make a point that you're not alone in whatever it is you're dealing with with your kid(s).

I knew this book was going to be transformative for how I parent when the first few pages -- which talked about, among many other things, why it's important *not* to let your kids work out their own disputes -- changed both my parenting and, subsequently, my children's behavior, unlocking some uncomfortable truths about patterns they'd fallen into, in the process.Melinda is a smart, measured thinker and writer, and I can think of very few people on earth who I trust as completely as her, when it comes to evidence-based parenting evaluated with empathy and good judgment.Destined to be a classic.

As a mom and a therapist I have to say this book is my favorite parenting book I’ve ever read! With so much research, entertaining story and beautiful insight this book has the power to change the way you parent, love and lead for the better. I had the pleasure of interviewing Melinda for my podcast, and her realness and thoughtfulness (just like in the book) shined through!

Most parenting books focus on the wrong things, and Melinda cuts to the chase in this important work helping curate the science about what really matters to raise kids we can be proud of and enjoy. As a pediatrician, I frequently recommend this thoughtful work.

If you want to do the opposite of the title, follow the advice in this book.

Great insight

Bought this book after following the author's newsletter for a while. I love her tone, which isn't preachy or self-satisfied like some of the other writers in her field. Really interesting and thoughtful, with lots of data to back it up. Perfect for fans of Emily Oster – highly recommend!

A complete research backed effective methods for parenting. Melinda has explained everything beautifully and descriptively in this book.If you're a parent or are going to become one, go for this.

Other reviews mentioned there were too many personal stories. Personally I found it that opposite. I found the author referenced almost too many studies. It was a bit overwhelming. I really wanted to love this book but found it a bit meh. Nothing truly life changing. I also found the book more relevant to my toddler than my young teen (the authors kids are still pretty young so that may be why, she hasn’t yet breached the older kid stage). It’s maybe too late to save my teen from being an a-hole lol. I did however enjoy the section on kids and tech. It was refreshing to not have a preachy bit about screen time being the devil. It was a bit more realistic about screen time and this generation.

Tra 20anni vi dico se ha funzionato.