The Betrayal Bind: How to Heal When the Person You Love the Most Hurts You the Worst

This book does an amazing job at helping a betrayed spouse understand the chaotic and conflicting emotions swirling around them after the discovery of their spouse's betrayal, providing validation and comfort, and explaining why all of these feelings are absolutely normal and can be expected. Michelle Mays looks at betrayal through the lens of attachment, as our attachment system is the very thing that connects us with anyone in our lives, and how betrayal causes a break in the attachment bond to the person we're closest with, shattering trust, and leaving a betrayed partner feeling unsafe and violated. It's that break in the relational bond that leads to those emotions that can make a betrayed partner feel crazy: "I want to be comforted by the person I'm closest to. But the person I'm closest to is unsafe and I need to get away from them!" This is what Mays calls attachment ambivalence, and her explanation and normalization of this part of healing from betrayal is so thoughtfully explained and helps comfort the reader. Reading about the entire attachment process in our lives, and how our attachments can be disrupted with betrayal, throwing us into the cycle of ambivalence, made so much sense to me, and helped me feel like I wasn't crazy. The other part I found the most profound and helpful was her six phases of the Braving Hope process. Here she describes the six phases betrayed partners go through on the path to healing. Like anything else, it's not always linear for each person, but the descriptions and stated goals of each phase were distinct and I could identify my own timeline within many of those phases. (I'm definitely not at the last two phases yet myself.) I also appreciated that this book is written for both those who choose to stay and rebuild their relationship, as well as those who choose to leave and heal on their own. There's no pressure in the book to choose one way or the other, and support is provided for either path, as well as for those who are just choosing to not make a choice for now. Too often books on betrayal tend to focus on just rebuilding the relationship or starting over. Both are acceptable choices here, and the focus of this book is primarily focused on healing yourself, regardless of which choice you make, because whether you stay or go, you will still have to go through the grief and healing regardless. The Betrayal Bind provides a thoughtful analysis of the human attachment system and why betrayal hurts so much because of that system, and ends with a clear, detailed roadmap on the steps to move through the pain and trauma and find healing for yourself. My only suggestion would be to add a companion workbook for betrayed partners to use when working through the six phases.

I’ve read many books trying to heal after my husbands betrayal. This book was so helpful! This is by far the best of the betrayal books. I pray for the person reading this review I pray for your healing and that this book blesses you as much as it blessed me. Thank You to the author for putting her experience and wisdom into a book that helped me so very much.

A must read for anyone who has been betrayed. I am forever grateful for Michelle Mays and the work she does for betrayed partners. I LOVE that an audio feature is available with this addition. It is wonderful listening to Michelle read the book.

Such a great book to explain what is going on in your brain after betrayal. The last part on recovery is pretty meh but the rest of the book is great. I have no idea how this woman could see every thought in my head :) Just buy it and then nod along to every darn page!

This book deserves ten super large, glowing stars. My husband confessed to being a sex addict three years ago - it's a horror I wish on no one. I read everything I could find on betrayal and addiction, and there's tons of good stuff out there. . . but there's also lots of crap that tries to blame the problem on or put the healing onto the betrayed partner (think "co-dependent" or "enabler"). Both my experience and my research had taught me that for far too long the focus of healing has been on solely the cheater - even if there was no partner blaming in that approach. Obviously, the betrayer needs major, intensive healing, but my 30 year long relationship with a selfish, addicted man had been all about him, so to begin facing his destructive, hidden choices and to have people tell me it's STILL all about him and his pain was mind-bogglingly insane. You'll get NONE OF THAT GARBAGE from THIS BOOK. THIS book keeps the actions of the cheater on the cheater, and turns instead to help the betrayed partner. It is the best book I've read that focuses on the PARTNER and how she (or he) can heal from the damage done by her (supposed) loved one. Everything you'll read will teach you why your mind and body are reacting the way they are (because that's what we're wired to do when we're in danger!) and then Michelle will put you on a path to healing. You're going to want therapy (really, you deserve the focused support of therapy if you've been betrayed), but do arm yourself with this book. It's worth reading to other folks in addition to Michelle, like Leslie Vernick, Sarah McDugal, Natalie Hoffman, Dr. Omar Minwalla, Dr. Andrew Bauman. But God bless Michelle. Not once did she ask me to suffer more for my husband. Not once did she ask me to have compassion for him. Not once did she ask me to stay in the marriage. She didn't tell me not to do those things, but the book was about me and my needs. There was no twisting, manipulation, or shaming me into taking one drop of responsibility for my husband's crazy choices. She just told me what was happening to me, that it was not my fault all my systems are freaking out, and that I could heal. She even told me I could heal whether or not I chose to stay with my husband. Thank God, thank God, thank God. After decades of having my husband's "self control" problems laid at my feet by him, the culture, and the church, I was able to give his shame back to him (Oh!! What a profound and relieving truth!! His actions are his, not mine!!). Even if your cheating partner is not an addict, this book will give you the tools to walk through recovering from the devastating and life altering blow of betrayal. Faithful people don't cheat. Cheaters cheat. And you can recover from it.

I read The Betrayal Bind as part of a 12-week online group, and I’m really grateful I did. Michele Mays offers a compassionate, insightful look into the incredibly complex experience of being betrayed by someone you deeply love. The book helped me put language to feelings I hadn’t been able to fully articulate — the deep confusion, grief, and inner conflict of wanting to hold onto a relationship while feeling deeply hurt by it. Going through the book in a group setting gave me a chance to process each chapter more slowly and hear how others related to the material, which made it even more impactful. Mays does a beautiful job of validating the trauma response, explaining the “bind,” and helping you understand that your reactions make sense in light of what you’ve experienced. The reason I’m giving it four stars instead of five is that at times, I wanted a bit more structure or practical application — more "how-to" steps for navigating certain moments in real-time. It’s very emotionally rich, which is powerful, but occasionally I found myself wanting a clearer roadmap. That said, the depth of emotional validation and the way it honors both the pain and the desire to heal is incredibly rare and valuable. Highly recommend for anyone dealing with betrayal trauma — whether you’re still in the relationship or not, this book can help you understand yourself in a whole new way.

This book was extremely helpful even if you're not going through a deep betrayal yourself because the insights that Mays provides on addiction and attachment theory are useful to anyone. I appreciated reading about her own story and how that informs her professional work and you get a strong sense of this throughout the book as she writes with deep insight and empathy. Even though it deals with a very hard subject, the book overall is hopeful. Not in a "wish it and make it so" simplicity, but in a grounded manner that shows, both from the research and Mays own experience over the years working with couples in this field, that there is a way forward, even if you think your world has come to an end. Overall, I found it one of the best books of its type I've ever read simply because of that combination of the science behind it all, combined with a voice that is both caring and optimistic and at times, even fun. Most books like this should be articles: They may have a great point or two, but then a lot of fluff to fill out the rest of the book. Not so here. Every chapter adds some new insight of great value. If I had one issue with the book, it might be that: There is just so much good information here that you can't digest it all too quickly. You need to process it as you go and realize just how important and helpful the insights are here. A great book that I'm glad I read because it will help me tremendously when dealing with friends who have been or are going through such forms of betrayal.

This book was recommended to me, and I gladly recommend it to others. The author creates a framework to actually talk about the pain of infidelity. I didn't have these concepts or words even for my own thoughts. It is such a relief to receive explanations for the push-and-pull feelings infidelity causes. I do wish the author could write a book for those who did not have the choice to stay or go. This book is written on the premise that the betrayal was fairly recent and that the reader is choosing or has chosen to either work on the relationship or leave it. I am very grateful for the framework, terms, and concepts this book provides for working through the hurts and wounds. However, not everyone who experiences infidelity has that choice. Sometimes the betrayer leaves for an affair partner, and sometimes the betrayer denies regardless of proof, then uses the betrayed partner's emotional reaction to justify ending the marriage. Perhaps one day the author can write a book expanding the concepts to situations where the betrayed did not choose to stay or go, or receive closure of an acknowledgment. Perhaps that book could be more about healing from an old wound than a recent occurrence. It is an amazing book, and I am gaining a great deal from it. Not sure if I am fully the target market.