When Parents Hurt: Compassionate Strategies When You and Your Grown Child Don't Get Along

Being an adult child of alcoholics, I have spent a lifetime in the self-help section of bookstores, along with much therapy trying to understand the craziness. So I raised my kids the exact opposite from my abusive childhood, never drinking and no physical abuse. Not perfect certainly because I will always feel somewhat broken after a traumatic childhood. I thought that if I rewrote the story the ending would be different. But my greatest sadness is that no, it hasn't turned out much different. My children (who are in their 40s), act like my parents did towards me, so I am reliving the hurt and emotional blackmail. I had this amazing blinding flash of the obvious while reading this book. My kids haven't EVER treated me with care, kindness, appreciation or respect since 7th grade. I just made excuses then and throughout their teenage years. Little did I know it would morph into a full-blown betrayal, way beyond hurt. Your children always have a special place in your heart... more than parents, spouses and friends. You can walk away from those who are toxic to your well being, but it is so much harder with your children. But they can be just as toxic as anyone with more guilt, blame and heartache than anyone else could cause. And if you allow it, they will twist that knife of condescension and blame even deeper. This book points out without the over-your-head psychobabble all the contributory factors to these bad behaviors that might not have much to do with you at all. It helps relieve your guilt and always asking the eternal WHY and HOW? Especially when you did your absolute best to have a different outcome which is now completely out of your control. This book is the best that I have read about when your wayward children then turn around and blame you without accountability, recognition, and apologies for their own poor choices. I have tried to reconnect 3 times recently after a 15 year estrangement... as they erased me. All I got in return was the blame game and self serving, rewritten history, or ZERO response. To bring myself some peace I ask if they would help me or hurt me right now. From experience, the answer is, of course, hurt me. While the door is still open, it is time to move on, redraw the line in the sand and receive the respect, care and compassion that should be the foundation of any healthy relationship. I deserve no less. This book has given me the strength to see that more clearly.

A month ago, I was new to estrangement by a child, and I was suffering badly from sorrow, heartbreak, remorse, guilt, shame, and desperation. But I had --and have -- a small sliver of hope of reconciliation, and Dr. Coleman's book has helped me immensely. This book is filled with so much truth and wisdom and practical strategies that I am, in between the bouts of pain and sorrow that still come and go, actually feeling empowered and hopeful. I just finished the book and plan to read it again now. Besides all the invaluable advice from an expert on parental estrangement, there is also an excellent chapter that helped me understand how I was parented and how the way that I was parented affected how I in turn parented my child. I wish I had read this book before I had had any children! Today I joined the free webinar that Dr. Coleman holds weekly to answer any questions one has relating to estrangement, and it was extremely helpful. If you are hurting, please help yourself by giving this book a try. I hope it will help you as much as it has helped me. Update on 10/10/2017: After writing the amends letter that Dr. Coleman advises estranged parents to write, and after following ALL of Dr. Coleman's advice that I gleaned from this book that I reread many times and his webinars that I reviewed over and over, my child is back! I am so grateful to Dr. Coleman for helping us estranged parents. He even generously offers weekly webinars that are free to all. I still attend his webinars and reread this book because my relationship with my child is a work in progress, one that I know I will work on for the rest of my life. What I have learned also helps my relationship with my other child. Thank you so much, Dr. Coleman!

If you have experienced rejection from you child, whether "deserved" or not, this book can help you heal and potentially heal the rift as well. The primary purpose is to give perspective and tools to ease your pain and help live with whatever reality occurs. It helps one understand why kids may reject or be angry at you. It also supplies suggestions on what to do to help change the situation and what NOT to do to exacerbate it. But the author offers no guarantees of successful, blissful endings. As parents, we may not be totally innocent of charges by our children, but also are probably not 100% guilty either. In either case, we deserve to heal, try to make amends for the wrongs inadvertently committed, and be happy with ourselves and the situation instead of miserable.

I was looking for something a little different. However, there were a few, sections that applied to me that were helpful. And even though much did not apply, I was motivated to start a dialog that actually improved my relationship where needed.

Joshua Coleman is supposed to be renowned in his field & some of his advice id helpful but his insistance that a parent should keep trying to connect with a child who has turned their back on them without explanation is like telling them to continue beating that dead horse, only worse... as the parent keeps setting themselves up for disappointment every time they reach out to that child & get no response. Take his advice, if you like, but remember, that kid won't reconnect with you, no matter how many times you reach out, until he or she wants to.

This book was sent from heaven. Without it, my grown son and I would probably never have reconnected properly. There were several years of no real contact from his side, and I had no clue why. It was incredibly painful for me, and I felt completely helpless. After reading this book, I was able to approach this situation. And act so much differently than I would have done otherwise. We now have a very close and wonderful relationship again, and I am so grateful! I highly recommend this book to anyone struggling with anger or withdrawal from their grown children (and I really wish it were available in German, as I've wanted to gift it to others hurting from similar situations!).

I cannot recommend this book. As a parent who was struggling with my teen, this book gave me a clear insight into how I respond. I’m still reading and putting it to use. Thank you…

I'm part way through and taking it slowly due to what it is bringing up for me. However, already it's really helpful as guidance if someone who wants to handle a sensitive situation and is unsure how to proceed.

Simple, basic advice that works ! Excellent read - helped me to stop what may have resulted in a long-term struggle. Thank you

Great book, for everyone either in an estranged relationship or otherwise Good information that I wish I had prior to my situation