Cain's Legacy: Liberating Siblings from a Lifetime of Rage, Shame, Secrecy, and Regret

Dr. Safer thoughtfully and cogently takes on an issue that has often been an enigma to those of us who work in the fields of psychology and psychoanalysis. Though many of us received training on how parental dynamics shape and influence the development of children, few of us have had requisite education in understanding how siblings form and contribute to character structure. Indeed, siblings are hard to think about; Safer reminds us that Freud rarely mentioned his many brothers and sisters in all of his writing.Dr. Safer's book serves to remedy the "sibling gap" that myself and many of my colleagues have experienced in training.Safer articulates, in readily accessible prose and her own personal narrative (not to mention the benefit of interviews of 60 people, aged 26-83, regarding their own sibling strife), the real-life struggles of those who grew up in the same household with siblings who can feel both familiar and alien.How parents treat siblings in not just a matter of parental dysfunction. We, as sisters and brothers, have our own fallout about how we are viewed and treated in comparison to those who share our parent's attention. Safer explains how family dynamics and what we do with parental and sibling perceptions shape the world we live in when it comes to dealing with our eventual peers, all of whom share some resonance to our childhood rivals. In other words, although it might be tempting to label a difficult interaction as being because of something related directly to mom or dad, it may also be that problematic relationship issues in adulthood are more connected to unresolved conscious and unconscious dynamics with siblings.Psychoanalysis has come a long way in understanding the complex interpersonal meaning of current and past relationships that impact our patients. However, Cain's Legacy is the first book to bring sibling issues to the forefront in such a lively way for those of us in the field. Safer also makes the understanding of complicated sibling relationships accessible for those who want to know how to deal with unresolved conflict with a brother or sister.Whether you are a professional, or simply need to understand how and why it is you feel the way you do about a sibling, you can find solace in Cain's Legacy, and even get some tips about what to do to try to repair your relationship.Tamara McClintock Greenberg, Psy.D., M.S.Associate Clinical Professor of Psychiatry, University of California, San Francisco

I really valued reading Cain's Legacy. What it helped me better realize is how siblings can suffer in very toxic relationships. I felt less isolated after the reading. It's not only me with a crazy family! I gathered from my reading that lack of self and other awareness can be such an issue. My own sibling relations are very troubled. I come from a family where there was significant domestic violence, and have had a lot of really great help in therapy over the years. Reading this book further supported my 'therapy education' which has helped me to feel more compassionate to my siblings, both who suffered greatly at the hands of my parents- both my parents were physically and psychologically abusive. Both my parents were raised in such households. I feel so sad for us all knowing that these inter-generational patterns of dysfunctional behavior, are, in a sense, no-one's fault. Though my situation with one of my siblings is still very difficult, I now better accept that he suffers from many unresolved issues surrounding his childhood. He has had no therapy help in his life and is hell bent on making as much money as he can to prove his worth. Just writing that makes me want to tell him I love him and that he's a good guy. He can't hear that at this point. May be he never will. Who knows? I recommend the book to anyone who wants to gain insight and compassion into the complex and often heart-breaking world of sibling issues.

I suppose, given that her previous book is "The Normal One," that I should have expected the author would be too self-congratulatory to move past herself and properly address the issue. Almost without exception, she champions her patients as being the "good" sibling, and casts the patient's sib (who, the save one or two exceptions, the author did interview/meet/treat), as the "bad sib." Just as she describes her own situation. What a surprise. Author routinely fails to properly account for how VERY much the great advantage of being the parent's favorite child accounts for the issues -- the favored sib, now realizing he/she is the favored one, could actually incorporate that information into re-assessing the sibling situation, and take responsibility for part their conduct played-- they felt entitled to be the favorite one. Think that didn't contribute to the sibling strife? And, now knowing they were the favored one, what does author suggest the favored one do to work that knowledge into the way they deal with the sibling strife? Nothing. As with any other unearned privilege, the favorite child is, to her, the one in the right. But, if the favored sib wasn't so blind to the effect that their participation in marginalizing the unfavored sib has had, something the author should be pointing out, not me, perhaps the favored sib could repair a few things. For example, author says she refused to give her brother money. Okay, sometimes that's called for. BUT-- what DID she do to address the sibling issue that she helped create? She's the one who took full advantage of the opportunities her parents created for her by virtue of her being the favorite, so why dies she blame her brother for everything? The book lacks the fair balance that the subject deserves, and for that reason, fails. It's the author's personal growth project, another pat by her on her own back.

So far, this being a taboo subject - I haven't found many books about sibling conflict so in that sense it was a positive experience to find this.However, as per the title of this review - I would have welcomed - less references to a Christian biblical framework as I don't identify as Christian and neither do many people in the world.I was also missing the positive sides of sibling estrangement and there are many of these, even though it is a tough bridge to cross.After having struggled with secondary domestic abuse from my siblings - as difficult as things have been - I have decided that if they are not going to understand or support me then there is no reason why I should be in contact with them. This is a weight fallen from my shoulders and I wish the author of this book would have placed an emphasis on this positive experience instead of dwelling on the pain of it

I bought this book initially because I have several friends who are experiencing great problems with their siblings. I thought it was a most interesting book and gave many insights as to why sibling rivalry can occur and possibly as to how to deal with or reconcile oneself to such issues. It would also be a useful book to read prior to having children in order to preempt these situations occuring.It

I bought Cain's Legacy after reading a review in "The Times", not having a good relation ship with my own siblings. The examples of sibling rivalry from Genesis shows how deeply ingrained is the unspoken issue and how parents through commission or omission set the framework for family relationships.Anybody who has problem siblings will find this book opens deep insights on these complex and deep rooted issues.

An interesting book about sibling relationships, the seriousness and impact when things go wrong. Lots of issues that I had not previously thought about quite an eye opener. Easy to read.

Saw this book reviewed in my newspaper, decided to try it as it covers themes which I have been interested in for some time, easy to read chapters providing thoughtful insight into this sometimes thorny subject. Would recommend it.