When Our Grown Kids Disappoint Us: Letting Go of Their Problems, Loving Them Anyway, and Getting on with Our Lives

I am a teacher and don't have any children of my own (and don't want any) but helped raise my stepdaughter from 12 years of age to 18 years of age. My wife and I are now raising our granddaughter who is 4 years old. My stepdaughter is not bonded with her own daughter and treats her more like a sister. We take total care of our granddaughter and have done so all of her short life while my stepdaughter was out partying. She never saw or even bothered to call about her daughter all last summer because she was living with her boyfriend and friends. After becoming pregnant again , she has moved back in to our home with her infant son. (hopefully moving out soon). My wife and I are approaching 50 years old and would really like our life back. I am a high school teacher in an alternative school where we have many troubled youth but you just never expect it in your own home, especially since you know you have raised your children right. She is one of the most self centered adult children I have ever known, the way she thinks and acts, especially with 2 kids just blows my mind. Hopefully one day she will just "get it" and become a responsible adult but for now she uses as many people as she can by stealing and lying (two of the qualities in ANYONE that I hate the most!). This book really breaks things down although as a teacher there was a lot of stuff I already knew but was still worth reading as a refresher. We all want our children to grow up and become successful, responsible adults but that doesn't always happen and there comes a point where we have to stop blaming ourselves. The author has really done a great job with this book and its worth the read if you want a piece of mind when going through difficult times with your children or stepchildren.

This book helped me understand and accept that my kids could swallow my life up whole UNINTENTIONALLY and really get in the way of me doing the things that I really want to do in my life.I have always believed that it is in my kids best interest for me to raise them exactly the same way I was (at least in certain areas). So, I paid for their college education, gave them each a Visa, bought them cars, offered to pay for graduate schools, trips, insurance, etc.What I inadvertently created, thinking I was acting in their best interest as those things were helpful to me at their age, were two kids - one with an alcohol problem and the other who's really dependent on others to do everything for him.Don't get me wrong, they are great kids overall - these are just two aspects that have been challenging to handle.In any event, when I discovered my son had an alcohol problem - I changed my tune in a hurry. Part of the reason he has this illness is that he has a lot of pain in his life that he's not dealing with. However, my contribution to it has been to give him too much money so he has the funds to binge drink as well as make his life so easy for him that it was enabling him rather than empowering him.He is in denial and doesn't realize the issue. This book helped me be okay with that, realize I've done all I could by offering him treatment, etc - and that I have a life that I deserve enjoying. And that's a good thing!With the other one, I learned that most likely I may watch him "shoot himself in the foot" over and over again. I do my best to offer him my guidance ahead of time when he wants it but usually he's a lot smarter than me he says.So, again, I've learned that he'll do it his way and that's okay.Again, I'm free to live my life knowing I'll help both of them to the extent they want me to that works with MY life.There are so many parents with varied experiences on this theme. The first part of the book talks about experiences similar to mine.The second half, though, is where I really realized that I'm okay and in fact doing good by them AND by me.My only criticism is the word "disappoint" in the title. I didn't relate to that word personally as I didn't feel disappointed - confused, challenged, angry yes. Not disappointed because that implies expectations and I really didn't have any.Very validating, helpful and empowering for me as a parent and as a person who deserves to enjoy their life.

Are you a parent whose quality of life-- post-parenthood, to use the author's terminology-- is diminished by your grown children's problems? Dr. Adams has written this book for you. Most of her anecdotes describe an adult child who can't or won't leave home or an adult child who has a problem with drugs or alcohol. You're sure to recognize your situation in some of these anecdotes. Reading this book will be like attending a support group for disappointed parents."Emerging adulthood" describes the time between adolescence and independent adulthood that may now last into a person's 30s. Young people are taking 5-7 years longer to "emerge." According to Dr. Adams, 40% of adults aged 18-35 are excessively dependent on parents for all kinds of support. And these are good parents. Parents who never imagined their kids would turn out the way they have. Emerging adulthood is not always a happy time: suicide, alcoholism, eating disorders and depression have tripled in this population over the last two decades. Addressing the whys is not the focus of this book: compassionately addressing parents torn apart by guilt, anger, and grief is.Dr. Adams does not pile on to our guilt. She acknowledges that all parents who are disappointed with their grown children suffer with guilt. Her encouragement is to stop the obsessing. She wants parents to detach from their children's problems realizing it's not their job or even in the realm of possibility for them to fix their adult child. Parents have to decide what their new relationship with their children will look like. She hopes it will look like a friendship with boundaries that respects the person but not necessarily that person's choices. You will appreciate this book more if your values are progressive. If you are traditional, you may not appreciate Dr. Adams' acceptance of homosexuality or her encouragement to parents to branch out and put everything on the table. Freed as we are from the gender-typed roles of early parenthood, she encourages us to reinvent ourselves for our second adult phase of life.

I loved this book. I would look forward to reading it because it made me feel I’m not alone dealing with this.

Very helpful in gaining a new perspective on parent-child codependency. I wish there were an updated version that reflected the additional challenges of the social media age and it’s impact on our relationships with our adult children, for good or bad.

One of my adult children is dealing with severe mental illness and trouble with the law. In reading this book I realize that it is time to detach with love for my own sanity and that I have to let him be.

Really nothing new, common sense stuff that most people already know.

I found the book to be very helpful and answered a lot of the questions that I have regarding my son. It was good to read about how others use their coping skills to deal with their adult children. I no longer blame myself for my short comings as a parent and feel that I can move on with my life and my husband and I can work on our relationship. I think that it is very important for your grown children to see a healthy relationship between their parents. Thank you.