Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Marriages in Crisis

One of those books that every married couple should read early on and refer back to now and then throughout their marriage.

My therapist recommended this book to me in 1994. My marriage was in shambles, my husband was sleeping with 8 different women. Yes, I said eight. Although at the time he said it was only one. It wasn't until 10 years later that he told the truth. But, back to my story. I bought this book, took it to heart, and diligently followed the advice. I moved back home with my parents in another state, my one year old child in tow. I soon learned I was expecting again, but stayed determined to hold firm. It took almost 9 months for him to come around, with a few instances of testing the waters during that time. He left everything (and everyone) behind him and moved to where we were. He turned his life around, became a fantastic dad, and from that day to this has never strayed again. Which sounds fantastic, and if the story stopped there, I'd have to give this book a 5 star review. But Im gonna be honest, not a year has gone by that I didn't regret my decision to take him back. I love him to absolute pieces, but he continues to rip my heart out and stomp it to bits. Here's the thing, ladies - what the book doesn't mention is that he doesn't love you. He's not confused, depressed, thinking irrationally, or whatever else. He doesn't love you. If he did he wouldn't be doing what he's doing. He may turn his life around and come back to the woman he married, but he's not going to magically start loving you. And as long with you're good with that, more power to you. But you've got to imagine and accept the possibility of spending the rest of your life with a man who doesn't love you. It's not fun. It's a lifelong sorrow that never ever ends. I used to tell myself, "One day he will love you. Just hang in there." The sad truth is that One Day never comes. I have a marriage that looks great on the outside - everyone thinks we're so in love and so happy. The truth is that we're just friends who get along most of the time. Where the trouble comes in is when I allow myself to believe that he actually loves me. Now to be fair, he doesn't ever claim to, apart from saying I love you too in response to me saying it first. But I let myself go down that road and invariably he proves to me time and again that he has no love or affection in his heart for me. It's a lonely, heartbreaking place to be.I know that God hates divorce, which in all honesty, is a huge part of why we're still together. But the Bible also says "The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and pay the penalty." I have been reminded of this verse in Proverbs so many times because I saw the danger and I kept going and I have paid the penalty over and over.So bottom line - I have bought this book many times to share with friends who are going through a similar situation. This book works. It's not a magic trick or a game of chess. You will learn to set boundaries and stand up for yourself. Your spouse may end up walking away or coming back. But please consider the real possibility that you may endure decades of regret, heartache, and sorrow if you choose to take him or her back. You only get one trip through this life, don't let bad decisions make it more miserable than it has to be. You deserve to be not only loved, but cherished.

The suggestions are for all people and does not apply to just Christines.

After reading many books, this one is the best for my situation.Many books offer strategies on how to end your divorce and get your spouse back. I read so many trying to find answers on what position I should take.Some books say, love the walk away wife to death, be understanding, don't do anything to turn them off, and then wait. I tried this approach for a few weeks, and before I knew it my wife was so happy that I was so accepting of her new relationship. This was a disaster. Luckily, when you are in my predicament, you can try many different approaches... Because at this time, I've already lost my spouse.I also tried another strategy that was recommended. I don't talk to her unless she contacts me. When you talk to her or see her, you need to be very confident and happy. Again, she was happy because when she needed me, I was available and when she didn't need me she didn't care. It also took away much of the pain of her choice because she was basically having 2 guys meeting different needs. And for some reason I was happy about it all.So, I started praying hard. I started praying that God would deal with my wife and I would thank Him for whatever outcome happens. I no longer want to deal with her, because everything I have attempted really just hurt me more. During my prayer time, I started thinking that Love must be tough sometimes. A parent and a child... If there is really love, it must be tough. God and His children, love has to be tough. A spouse that is wrapped up in sin, living an illusion, disregarding reality of the damage she is doing to her husband, children, herself, her reputation, her finances, another family (her boyfriend is married), and her own relationship with God... Must not be ignored, tolerated, or (and probably most importantly) blamed largely on the left behind spouse (myself).He is what I took from the book. The problem I had in my marriage and still have today is this. She doesn't respect me. So, here's what I am going to do. I'm going to respect myself. I have sent her a letter telling her what she is doing will not be accepted by me. It is wrong in the sight of God. It is wrong for my child. And I can no longer deal with her while she is with the other man. Basically I am not having any contact with her, and I feel great. Why? Because I respect myself for standing up for what is right.By the way, as soon as I decided I would no longer tolerate this situation she is in, she has tried her hardest to get me back under her thumb. This shows me that this approach is working volumes. She may never wake up to what she is done, but at least she will respect me as the father of her child and know I'm not putting up with her foolishness.

It offers practical insights into the challenges of family life and some useful tips of how to overcome these challenges.

I bought this book 30 yrs ago and just sent one to my neice in crisis. Loves it.A huge help for surprise abandonment. Alcoholic family members etc...

I love this book and I am so glad that God led me to it. I spent a lot of time during the first 1/3 of the book saying "that's me, that's how I am, yes that is happening to us". I am putting the principles into action now so there is something positive I am doing which is helping my broken heart. It upsets me to read about how the children hurt when a divorce occurs but this book has brought encouragement. I would love to see a book written purely about marriages breaking down (without affairs, violence etc) as I think it would be able to go deeper into how an everyday marriage works and the pitfalls to look out for. This book focused a lot of time on affairs which (I hope) is not so relevant to my relationship. It is wonderful that Dr James Dobson has written from a biblical view too. A really wonderful book.

The book for me was a great read, I’m not married and am single, the book was a follow on from the book boundaries, of which I found immensely profound. This book for me accentuated that, in regards to boundaries, respect and self worth, how you view a situation and then handle it, it is best to in my opinion to do the most hardest things at the worst times, easier said than done of course and i myself am going through hell, but would propose to anyone in a precarious relationship read this, for yourself.

Fantastic book. Easy to read and apply! Highly recommend this book to anyone who either hopes to be in a relationship, is currently in one and wants to improve it as well as for those struggling after a separation.