By the Time You Read This, I'll Be Dead

This review originally appeared on herestohappyendings.com***Actual Rating: 3.5/5 Stars***Trigger Warning!Before I start in with my thoughts about this book, I think that it's important to point out that there are some trigger warnings. If suicide, self harm, or severe depression are triggers for you, you might want to avoid this book, or at least keep in mind that these things pretty much make up the entirety of By The Time You Read This, I'll Be Dead.By The Time You Read This, I'll Be Dead has been one of those books on my Amazon wishlist for ages, but not one that I have ever gotten to. Yesterday, on a whim of trying to decide what the heck to read since I have about a bazillion books on my TBR list right now, I bought the Kindle version and read through it. To be honest, I had kind of forgotten all about it until it was displayed under the "recommended for you..." part on my Kindle, so I decided why not?The book is relatively short - in fact, it's only a little over 200 pages, so it was a quick read. This is the kind of book that I normally would have been able to get through in one sitting, but because I had so many issues with the main character, I guess I took breaks here and there (plus as usual, there's real life too). This is going to be one of those books that are difficult for me to review, so let me figure out the best way to do so.Did I like this book? Yes.Did I love it? No.This is the first book that I've read by Julie Anne Peters, and I thought that she covered the whole thoughts of depression and suicide well. I've read a lot of books pertaining to severe depression, and as someone who experienced severe depression throughout her entire teenage years (and a good deal of my adult years), I am drawn to books that are going to make me see the world in a new light and make me feel less alone. So I wanted to love this book so much for those reasons alone. Not to mention that there are other books by this author that I've wanted to check out for some time now, too."If I could speak, I'd tell her, 'What can happen in a few minutes changes you forever.'"The basis for By The Time You Read This, I'll Be Dead is that the main character, Daelyn, doesn't want to live anymore. She has already tried more than once to take her life, but never succeeded - making her more determined than ever to finish what she started.She finds a website called Through The Light that is designed for "completers," or those who are determined to take their life and not fail. Daelyn feels at home using this website - that is, when her father isn't monitoring her computer access and she actually has the time to use it. She creates an account, talks to others on the forums, and learns about different ways that she can commit suicide - and the website even gives her an ideal date to do so.With her date in mind, the book counts down from her designated date through the day she is supposed to go through with taking her own life.When Daelyn isn't using this website to interact with others or read about new ways that she can use to succeed this time around, she goes to a private school where she doesn't have any friends, and most of the people there call her a freak because she can't speak and she wears a neck brace. She is bullied there the way she has been bullied her entire life, all the way from being a small child until now, and every day, she is more and more determined to make this pain go away."Your failures and your faults. They stick with you. They glob into ugly, cancerous growths inside you and make you want to die."When she meets Santana, a boy who she has to wait with outside school every day while she waits for her mother or father to pick her up, she is determined not to become friends with him. She tries to stay away from him, to ignore him, to shut him out of her life, but little by little, he makes his way in. Little by little, she wonders what it would be like to have him in her life, as a friend. She's never really had a friend, and from past experiences, she is afraid of what could happen if she went with it.When a girl at school starts trying to talk to her, and she starts to have small bonding moments with her mother, she can't handle it - she is determined to commit suicide and doesn't want to have anyone close to her that might make her change her mind. She tries to pull back, but she secretly craves having friends, a family who understands, and maybe a boyfriend who likes her for who she is. But as her date continues to count down every day when she logs onto Through the Light, she gets more and more confused.So what did I really like about this book? I loved the whole premise about the Through the Light website. I've read a lot of other books about depression and suicide, but I think this is a unique take on such a dark and hard to talk about subject. I'm not saying I wish this was a real website (because there are no words for how much I hope something like this does not exist), I just think that it really added something into the book that I haven't seen before.I also loved Santana's character. He was fun, and he tried so hard to get Daelyn's attention and become her friend. While she fought him off and tried to get him to stay away from her, he just kept trying, doing whatever he could to get her to talk to him.The one major problem that I had with this book was Daelyn's character. I just couldn't connect to her, at all, and I kind of felt like her personality was kind of flat. I wished there had been more to her, and maybe I wish her character would have been written in a better way. As someone who has suffered from severe depression for years, I know what it feels like to want to cut everyone off and isolate yourself, so that wasn't what I disliked about her so much. It's actually hard to pinpoint exactly what it was, but I just felt like the author could have done a better job of writing her character than she did. I was just indifferent towards Daelyn.The fact that Daelyn's parents hovered and cared for her was nice - I see the whole absent parent syndrome a lot in YA and this was a nice breath of fresh air. Her mom wasn't really the nicest person on earth, constantly making jabs at Daelyn's weight and asking her why she never even bothered trying. I really disliked that. It was honestly quite appalling. Her dad monitored her computer usage and her parents worked to make sure she was never alone and that she always took her pills, so it was obvious that they cared about her, but their relationship with Daelyn just seemed strained.Potential Spoiler Alert!The ending of this book also threw me for a real loop. If you know me, you know that I'm not a fan of open endings, which is more or less what this book has to offer. There isn't a nicely wrapped package all tied up with a bow, but rather it's a lot more open ended than usual and I really disliked it. In fact, the ending itself caused me to take a whole star off my rating. It's the kind of ending that's going to bother me for ages, and I wished it had been even a little more clearer than it was. I really hate endings that leave a book feeling almost unfinished.All in all, I think this book was a really interesting read that offered a look at depression and suicide that we might not have seen before. It's different, yes, and while I think it's worth a read, it didn't live up to my hype as much as I had hoped it would.

This is my first review ever and I have been buying books from Amazon for (cough) 10+ years. I have loved books, I have hated books, but never have I felt compelled to write a review about one. Something about this story just got to me. It planted a seed in my brain that took root within the first few pages. And even after finishing the book I can still feel the after-effects of it inside me; it lingers and haunts and perhaps writing a review is my purging process, as writing on Through-the-Light was for Daelyn.I am not quite sure why I put off reading this book for so long as it has appeared on my recommended list for ages. Something about the description was off-putting to me so I always put this book on the back burner; an "if I have absolutely nothing else to read" read. Perhaps part of the reason was because I expected it to be a typical, angst-filled YA book that skims the surface of mental illness and glosses over it's causes, progression and manifestations with flowery words and deliberate adjectives. I was WRONG.This book is honest and direct. From the very beginning, Daelyn speaks bluntly about her suicidal ideations. There is no sugar-coating or hesitation in her thoughts; she very simply wants to die. When trolling the internet she comes across a site called Through-the-Light. The site is for suicide "completers"; not people that are thinking about suicide or people that can see any proverbial light at the end of the tunnel--the site is for those that have made up their minds.And to further that point, the website actuates a DOD (date of determination--aka suicide date) for all of it's members. Daelyn's is in 23 days.The story follows Daelyn through each of the 23 days as she researches suicide methods, cleanses herself of the horrors of her past and as she methodically prepares for her inevitable end, all with the help of TTL. It's heart wrenching and tragic and would be completely depressing if not for the addition of Santana. He provides the reader with comic relief, uplifting moments and gives the reader something to believe in, all things he tries desperately to do for Daelyn. And while many reviewers found Daelyn's resistance to Santana's efforts as unbelievable, I applaud the author for standing her ground and depicting a story that is atypical to the usual YA formula.This book is NOT about temporary teenage melancholia, nor is it about depressives seeking help; it is about a small sect of the mentally ill that truly feel like they have no other options--and a 3 week almost-romance is not going is not going to sway someone that has had their mind made up for years.I absolutely loved this book--I would even venture to say it is the best YA book that I have ever read. And whereas many people complained about the ending, stating it was "vague" or an unwanted "cliff-hanger," I didn't mind it. Sometimes things don't have to spelled out to be obvious, and in my head I have a clear picture of how Daelyn's story ended...and that's all I will say :)"By the Time You Read This, I'll Be Dead" is a raw and captivating book from start to finish. It affected me in ways few books have and I would recommend it to anyone in a heartbeat. It even moved me, someone that hates writing, to pen this long-winded, wordy review--and that definitely says something!

An unofficial rule when it came to writing YA was to avoid anything too stressful or involving violence. Julie Anne Peters had broken this rule. And I am glad she did it.If I were to choose two words for a theme of this book, it would be 'face reality.' The subject of bullies that the author had picked, most people don't want to know. But bullies are happening every day. I used to be a teen myself and reading what the protagonists and many others had to go through. I felt the genuine anger toward the perpetrator that I had to take a deep breath.I admit to taking lots of time to finish the book. But the ending made me feel like it's worth it.What's most tragic about our society was how little we could trust adults, that we couldn't speak out when we got bullied. Meanwhiles adults, too, failed to earn the trust of the teens when they tried to brush aside the subjects when some came up. This cycle would repeat until we stopped looking the other way, face reality. Although this is not a guidebook on stopping bullies, it might inspire us to think. Now that we know bad things are going on around us, can we become better people from now on?I hope that answer is yes.

This is difficult read, but certainly griping and in a way enjoyable. I bought because I sometimes have to teach 'difficult topics' to teenagers and am always on the look out for potential resources. BTYRTIBD gripped me much more than I was expecting and was really moved by reading it, so much so that I was reluctant for the novel to come to the end. The main protagonist Daelyn Rice is very convincing and I was on her side almost at once. Seeing the world though her eyes could be difficult at times.Warning potential spoilers latter on in review.I found it hard going at times, naturally enough because of the topics covered and how powerful Peter's prose is. There are some useful educational resources at the back of the book, so if you too are looking for a resource about self-harm and suicide that's a plus.But mainly BTYRTIBD works as a story. With believable characters and lovely prose. The only reason I gave it four stars and not five is because of the ambiguity of the ending. (I can see why a clear-cut ending wouldn't have worked but by the time I reached the end of the book I really really wanted Daelyn to have a happy ending). Indeed so ambiguous is the ending I got into long discussions online about what actually happened which again might well be a positive thing when it comes to using it as a teaching aid.So on balance maybe 4.5 stars.I'm certainly going to look at other books by Julie Anne Peters to see if I can use them with Young Adults as well.

By the Time You Read This, I'll Be Dead (abbreviated to BTYRT for ease of typing) was never going to be anything other than an intense, sad book. For some reason, I'm always drawn to tough books that pull at my emotions and have me glued to the pages, hoping that something better will happen for the characters, and BTYRT was no exception.Bullying is something that many of us have experienced as children and teens, from schoolyard taunts through to actual physical abuse, and whilst reading BTYRT, Daelyn's story felt so very real, I wanted to grab all the people that had made her so miserable and shake them. Interwoven with the bullying there are also struggles with body-image and an overwhelming need for acceptance.Daelyn is so isolated, so lonely and so very bleak that it was impossible not to feel a huge sympathy for her. The back-story gradually reveals itself, rather than having a huge information dump at once, which makes it all the more haunting and sad as fragments of her teen years come together to form a very disturbing, cruel picture.Ms. Peters strikes the perfect balance of parental involvement, something often missing in YA books, without having them overshadow Daelyn's very private thoughts and actions. Their actions portrayed an overwhelming love and concern for their daughter, but it was also easy to see where they had missed the signs of things going very wrong, despite everything they were doing to try and help her live a happier life.Santana was certainly a bright spot in BTYRT - his outlook on life was so very different to Daelyn's, and the gradual revealing of his own story perfectly juxtaposed with Daelyn's own journey through the past few years of her life.The website that forms the backbone of the plot was a great catalyst for the story. I won't say much about it for fear of spoiling it, but it is mysterious, disturbing and really pulls some of the underlying themes together.This is an intense book, folks. It's haunting, shocking and almost ethereal and Daelyn's story is one that isn't easily forgettable. A quick read but one that is very very worthwhile.And if you're wondering why four stars instead of five? Although I really liked this book, I didn't love the ending - it just didn't work for me, but it does fit the tone of the book.

The ending... wow, that's all I'm going to say about that. A dark book that has shocking themes throughout and leaves you gripped on what she's going to do and how it works out in the end, I hardly finish books but I can say this is one of the few I have finished and thought about days-weeks later.

The book is very easy to read but i was slightly disappointed with the ending, its kind of a 'cliff hanger' and so i didn't quite understand. But leading up to that i could relate and was instantly compelled to read this book. Great for the price also!

The language is understandable but it was difficult to read at times due to the themes involved in this book. That said, I read it within a day and I liked it.