ParentSpeak: What's Wrong with How We Talk to Our Children--and What to Say Instead

"Parent Speak" is one of my favorite parenting books in large measure because its author, Jennifer Lehr, shares her experiences with and understanding of a number of notable parenting authors and educators from whom she has learned a great deal in her quest to become a more capable and loving parent. In particular, Ms. Lehr helps us understand why and how what she calls "Parent Speak" is a kind of all-too-common parent-to-child kind of communication that may seem harmless and even helpful, but is in fact neither.Although several of her mentors/teachers are, as she notes, "no longer with us", Jennifer helps us understand and appreciate their often profound and "ahead-of-their-time" influence on some of current parenting practices she considers in "Parent Speak". Ms. Lehr takes us with her on a journey to become a better parent by helping us learn, from the various sources and mentors she has encountered along the way, how and why "Parent Speak" is a very appropriate title for her book but a parenting practice to be avoided.While I could readily comment on the considerable merits of "Parent Speak", I want instead to make the point that one of the things I appreciate most about the authors writing is the fact that she references and explains what she's learned as a parent from the many parent educators she sites and she readily expresses her appreciation for those from whom she has learned so much.Of these educator/mentors, the late Magda Gerber and Dr. Thomas Gordon seem to have had a particularly profound influence on Jennifer's understanding of the problems with "Parent Speak" and it was a pleasure to find that she was most gracious in her appreciation for and acknowledgement of these two and the many others authors and educators she site throughout the book.While her recognition of the considerable positive influence of Magda Gerber is apparent in the abundant references she makes about Magda's personal mentorship, Jennifer's appreciation for the late Dr.Thomas is apparent in the many references she makes about the concepts he developed in his internationally renowned Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.) book and his P.E.T.classes that have been and are currently being taught in a number of countries throughout the world - one of which Ms. Lehr took herself and about which she stated (Under the heading, "Thanks to my mentors"), "Then there is the incomparable Meike Lemmens, the P.E.T. instructor whose course and master classes I've had the privilege of attending. Mieke is as sharp, clear and thoughtful as she is infinitely calm and patient.The author's frequent references to and acknowledgements of so many of those who have helped inform her understanding of "Parent Speak"might not be as noteworthy if it weren't for the fact that so very many books on parenting have been written by authors who seem to avoid any mention of the fact that the ideas they are presenting as their own have been - sometimes in very large measure - "borrowed" from others whose names often go unmentioned.Unlike these "borrowers," Jennifer Lehr references many profoundly influential writers on the subject of "Parent Speak" including of course the remarkable Alfie Kohn, who, like Dr. Gordon, has had - and is still having - a great deal to tell us about why a "doing with" approach to parenting is so much better than a "doing to" / "Parent Speak" approach.. Building on Dr. Gordon's work, Mr. Kohn's considerable research has supported the understanding that a "carrot and stick" / "behavior modification" approach to parenting our children is, like "Parent Speak," an ineffective and sometimes quite destructive approach to developing healthy parent /child relationships.With considerable humor Jennifer helps us understand why she and Alfie Kohn consider the ubiquitous, reflexive "Good Job!" one of a number of kinds of "Parent Speak" that may well seem helpful and respectful but really aren't.To be sure, Ms. Lehr's ability to reference the contributions of the many renowned parenting authorities she sites never get in the way of her narrative but in fact helped pique my interest in the various approaches to parenting she explores in her book and helped me feel a kinship with her as she ventured out into the world of "Parent Speak" to help herself and her readers discover better ways to communicate and connect with the own children.In addition to being an unusually thoughtful and wide ranging presentation of ideas from various sources that are acknowledged and appreciated,Ms. Lehr's book is a vital, unique and very practical source of information on effective, respectful parenting and one of the most remarkable, delightful, funny, insightful, and very worthwhile and original books on parenting I have ever read.Doug LoveKirkland, Washington .

if everybody reads this the world would change immediately

Tons of "aha" moments for me and lots of relatable examples to help you see how this could work for your family. My favorite chapters are Chapter 1 "Good Job", Chapter 4 "Give Grandma a Kiss" and Chapter 5 "Be Careful." I am really working hard to stop saying "good job" so much and to find better words to convey to my daughter I am proud of her and want her to keep challenging herself. So much great info in Chapter 4 and great tips and ideas I am sharing with family members to help them better understand body autonomy and why it's extremely important we honor children's boundaries and show them their body is theirs and they do not ever have to do something or someone touch them if they don't want it. And Chapter 5, "Be Careful". I thought I was doing pretty good making sure I don't break my daughter's concentration and confidence in her abilities but I am still telling her to "be careful," just before the act. That's still undermining her confidence and not allowing her to figure out her limits and when to push and when to be cautious.I am so happy I read this book, it's given me the tips and resources I need to better communicate with my daughter so that she continues to grow into her own person.I highly recommend this book to every parent, no matter the age of their kids! I recommend it for everyone, really. What this book talks about is for every human, not just children; it's just children are the most subjected to the topics discussed.It's a must read!

Wow. How many ways do I love this book and the author? As a parent, I was aware of Alfie Kohn's research in "Good Job-bing" our children. As a co-op nursery school parent and teacher, his ideas had already taken hold of me since my children were young (now early teens). Lehr's book is fresh, up to date and really speaks to today's parents. Without making you feel like you have already messed up royally, she tells you what to do and say instead and WHY in a relatable way. She delves deeper into topics like tickling and forcing manners before developmentally appropriate (earlier is not always better!). As a nursery school director who enjoyed Lehr's presentation on her book and ideas to our parents, I am ever grateful for her addressing a skeptical crowd of young parents, who all left wanting more- and private sessions with her! One parent said it was like learning all of the communication secrets that preschool teachers hold that endear children to these special teachers. I look forward to having ALL of the teachers at my school read this book over the summer as our Professional Development refresher. I plan to buy copies for our parents at preschool and hold a book club with it for the beginning of the school year. What a dream it will be to have parents and teachers using the same respectful and compassionate language with our children.

Just finished parentspeak. Feel emotional. It's changed so much and challenged so much of my views. And made me realise more than 'the book you wish your parents had read' how much these standard parenting actions damaged me growing up, and I've never recovered from.It's such a well-researched, accessible, evidence-based summary of reasons, ideas and tips to treat our children with respect and unconditional love. And to challenge the way we were raised, and try to do better.I feel like reading it will definitely make me a better parent and enrich my relationship with my daughter. I am so glad I read it.The way she has structured it makes it easy to dip in and out as you have time.I hope you will consider making time to read it. I think you'd be inspired too.

Such an eye opener and scary to think how those automatic phrases that come out when we're talking to children aren't helpful at all! My brain needs serious retraining! Thanks to this book I am going to put up post it's around the house with my new phrases/approach and hope that it sinks in. This book is well researched and well written so that it's easy to digest. I'm sure I will be consulting it for years to come.

Loved this book - very informative and interesting to read. Makes you reflect and rethink many ingrained/automatic parenting practices. Even my non-reading husband expressed a wish to read it when I discussed with him some of the ideas from the book.

Worth a read

A must-read for all parents who want to get out of the frustrating cycle of tantrums - and really understand what their children are going through as they learn and grow.